Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter –; Part 2

Hello again, everyone. I’ve returned from my venture out into the world and have devoured my rose petal ice cream only to return to this immediately when I come home. With 13 as my co-pilot and kuresoto, our number one fan.

Me: *clears throat and cracks knuckles* let’s McFucking do this.
Thirteen: I would say I am mentally prepared but I am not.
Thirteen: Bring it on.


Me: I love how “Father-daughter” is in quotations
Thirteen: I’ll just assume Humbert is already perving over her.


Me: UM. I’M NOT READY FOR THIS.
Thirteen: “Don’t act like a perv” IS NOT ADVICE THAT SHOULD EVER BE NECESSARY FOR THIS SCENARIO.
Me: I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE. I’M TOO AFRAID TO “CLICK ANYWHERE TO CONTINUE”
Thirteen: Jesus, same. And I’m not even fucking playing it.
Me: *CLOSES EYES AND CLICKS SOMEWHERE ON THE SCREEN*


Me: I stared at this for like…three minutes.
Me: What is that?
Me: are those hands?
Thirteen: I think we’re looking at a POV looking down at his hands in his lap
Thirteen: And apparently he’s wearing skinny jeans.
Thirteen: Or has very hairy legs.
Me: Wait…is his leg bent?
Thirteen: Yes, I think. One foot tucked behind his ankle.
Me: A++ art.

Okay so he just keeps going on and on about being nervous this part is boring as fuck.

Then this motherfucker has this long internal monologue about how there’s no reason to be nervous, bringing us here:


Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HUMBERT?
Thirteen: I like how he’s hoverhanding his own hands
Thirteen: Even he doesn’t want to touch himself.


Me: You’d think he would have asked for like a picture or something? This is his fucking…daughter.
Thirteen: Yeah I mean you’d think they’d exchange that shit when she first made contact.
Thirteen: But I guess we can’t have the gross “surprise” of his boner popping up because she’s ~so hot~.
Me: AUGH. Of COURSE THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.
Thirteen: What else did you expect?
Me: For me to never ever be playing a “game” like this.
Thirteen: Well, yes.


Me: Yeah, you’d like that. Wouldn’t you, Humbert?
Thirteen: I hate myself for immediately thinking “~and bad girls need to be punished!~”
Me: I think we need to consider getting you professional help for your apparent internet addiction.
Thirteen: No I’m just a terrible person.


Me: Has…has he been saying all of this out loud?
Thirteen: Pfft hahahaahah
Thirteen: Apparently so.
Me: I’m just imagining some old lady sitting next to him and clutching her purse tighter next to her.
Thirteen: Dude, same, old lady. Same.


Me: I wish he’d stop calling it that. At this point he’s still talking out loud and the old lady is getting her ass up to leave.
Thirteen: I wouldn’t even mind the “date” thing except I know it’s inevitably leading up to its disgusting, sticky conclusion.
Me: With optional bestiality.
Thirteen: Oh yes
Thirteen: Of course
Thirteen: Can’t forget that shit
Thirteen: No matter how hard I try.


Me: THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL AT HOME? WHAT THE FUCK.
Thirteen: Admiring his dildo pile
Me: This whole time I thought he was waiting at the airport or some shit. No he’s just staring at his giant pile of dildos.
Me: And ominous shadow in his TV.
Thirteen: Perhaps it’s a Shadowman come to claim him. But unlikely. Even they want nothing to do with this.
Me: They’re probably drawing straws to get to see who had to drag his ass down to hell.


Me: door. bells.
Thirteen: It Begins.


Me: It did this weird shaky animation and I was like what is happening.
Thirteen: When did we move from dildo room to the kitchen
Me: After the earthquake.
Thirteen: And man that is one obnoxious-looking kitchen
Thirteen: I’d hate to try and navigate it during Thanksgiving or some shit.
Me: I mean he does live alone. Not even his only daughter wanted to see him on holidays. So I assume he spends thanksgiving like looking at daddy daughter porn or some shit.
Thirteen: And eating week-old KFC.
Me: Because grease makes great lube.
Thirteen: Plus who can get enough of the erotic scent of fried chicken?


Me: I wanna punch him in the face.
Thirteen: Lazy, perhaps. Disgusting, yes. An ass, absolutely.


Me: Ah yes. Door bells. This is obviously how it’s said.
Thirteen: Onomatopoeias are myths invented by the liberals.
Me: Let her in, man.
Thirteen: Or don’t!
Thirteen: And save everyone!

Then Humbert is useless and it takes him like 900 more years to open the door. He keeps having dumb conversations with himself about how he hopes his daughter likes his house or some other dumb shit like how nervous he is.

Thirteen: Unfortunately, she did not just walk off.

And then:


Me: Woe I must venture through the valley of the shadow of incest in order to let in this man’s daughter.
Thirteen: Godspeed, you crazy motherfucker.


Me: OH MY GOD HUMBERT IS THERE A WORLD IN WHICH YOU’RE NOT USELESS.
Thirteen: Probably the same one where he isn’t disgusting.
Thirteen: So
Thirteen: no
Me: LOCAL MAN CONTINUES TO MONOLOGUE INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS DAUGHTER INTO HIS HOUSE AND SHE GETS KIDNAPPED BY LOCAL HOOLIGANS. THE END.
Thirteen: STRANGELY, IT TURNS OUT BETTER FOR HER.


Me: THIS GIRL IS TWELVE.
Thirteen: The Lolita theme fits then!
Thirteen: Oh but, ~she’s 18~! Totally legal!
Thirteen: Jesus that face is creepy and chipmunky.
Me: Plus her body looks all sorts of deformed. Also where is her luggage?
Thirteen: what do you think her “boobs” are?
Me: WELP. FULL SPEED AHEAD, I GUESS.


Me: noooooo you’re not.
Thirteen: I wanted to say “I bet you are, Lolita” but since we actually named them that it’s not even a joke.
Me: Nothing is funny and everything hurts.
Thirteen: And just think, we choose this. And by “we” I mean “you”.
Me: Well. You didn’t even try to stop me so.
Thirteen: Okay fair
Thirteen: But still
Thirteen: Like you would have listened.
Me: I wouldn’t have. You’re right.
Thirteen: …also, does this look like a hotel to you? Because it does to me.
Me: Yes, it does look like a creepy pedo hotel.
Thirteen: Man, she probably caught the eye of every one of his pedo neighbors.
Me: Quick, Humbert! Piss on her! Claim your property
Thirteen: Is that on the fetish list?
Me: I just thought “Unfortunately no” and idk what that says about me as a person.
Thirteen: Well, it would be better than the bestiality. Mildly.

So they awkwardly converse in the hallway for a while. She introduces herself as his daughter. Blah blah blah more bullshit about “Wow look at how much you’ve grown”. I’m sorry for being so rude blah blah blah.

To be continued…