Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter
And as always, with 13 as my captive audience, over 2000 miles away, we discovered something rather troubling. It was a game, of sorts, more like a dating sim. Where you date uh…your *ahem* …biological daughter whom you haven’t seen in several years following your divorce from her mother.
Wonder why you got divorced dude.
After much deliberation wherein Thirteen and I discuss my very sanity and the depth of my self-hatred, my curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded the game.
And so it begins, with a loading screen.
Thirteen: Oh good.
Thirteen: Well. At least it’s honest about the terrible, terrible thing it is from the beginning.
Santiago: (my partner, off in the wings) Why is there a butt?
Me: Don’t ask. You really, really don’t want to know.
Me: What do we name him?
Thirteen: I feel like it needs to be something appropriately horrid yet hilarious to fit out avat–Humbert?
Thirteen: Amazing. And terrifying.
Me: We must name the girl.
Thirteen: Welp I mean the obvious answer is Lolita to match.
Me: Of course, but Delores or Lolita?
Thirteen: Lolita. Dolores is a touch more subtle but I don’t see a reason to waste subtlety on this shit.
Me: WE’RE ONE PAGE IN AND I’M ALREADY CHOKING HALF TO DEATH.
Thirteen: Spoiler Alert: it was to avoid you, you disgusting subhuman filth!
Me: Also there’s no sound so this is fucking eerie as fuck.
Thirteen: Well.It was going to be super creepy anyway.
Me: at least I can play it without headphones.
Me: These ellipses sure are ominous
Thirteen: I would say “only because we know where this is going” but no
Thirteen: They pretty much are regardless.
Thirteen: And you know. I just KNOW every time people make sure to point out a character is 18 that that means they actually aren’t.
Thirteen: So. Yeah. :I
Me: Um. Someone is a little too excited.
Thirteen: This is really bad coming off Dream Daddy because I’m trying to squish down residual “awww” feelings because I know this is going to be terrible.
Me: I keep thinking about Dream Daddy too. It can’t save us now.
Thirteen: On one hand I need Golden Child and her totally-sweet-and-non-creepy dad to make things better, on the other I want them FOREVER AWAY FROM THIS.
Thirteen: Is that a pile of weird dildos and/or other sex toys at the left
Me: He’s only getting ready to entertain his daughter.
Thirteen: There’s totally at least two dicks in there.
Thirteen: Oh well of course
Thirteen: Why didn’t I think of that