Video Game Mockaries: Dating My Daughter Part 4
There are no words to describe how I feel in the wake of posting this. So many new fans have risen from the ashes to yell at us for not posting the next part of this debauchery.
I’m Des, that’s 13 and this is Jack Ass.
Dedicated to kuresoto
Me: I hope you remember how much I care about you
Me: Because I’m bout to fuck your shit up, nerd.
Thirteen: Oh noOOOO IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN
Me: Where do we go?
Thirteen: Jesus. Nowhere is good.
Thirteen: Like what could possibly even happen in the bathroom?
Thirteen: That we want to see
Thirteen: We know the bedroom is basically Ground Zero and we’ve exhausted the couch. So to speak.
Thirteen: Like what would a good, non-creepy dad do? NONE OF THESE THINGS.
Me: I mean maybe Lolita has to pee?
Thirteen: Why do we need to be there for it though. (Fuckin. Was watersports on the kink list? …did I ask that? I feel like I did.)
Me: Or poop? She did eat a lot of pizza. (You did, and it is not).
Thirteen: so much she cOULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE AHAHAHA
Thirteen: Okay well. I guess it’s…slightly…less terrifying…than Ground Zero.
Me: We’ve somehow ended up back on the couch. Even though I chose bathroom.
Thirteen: Ugh. It IS getting creepy how they keep insistently referring to it as a date.
Thirteen: Like I talk with my mom about making plans for a date so we can go hit up thrift stores and shit but like. We only say that like, once.
Me: I feel like this is more acceptable between you and your mom since you know…you’ve seen each other like almost every day since your birth.
Lolita: Or thirty. Please tell me you have matches?
Thirteen: Or, forever. Just stay there. We’ll leave. You can keep the dildo pile.
Me: WHAT IS THAT HAND DOING?
Thirteen: Nothing natural or human.
Me: PLEASE TELL ME HE’S NOT GOING TO TAKE HER HAND AND LEAD HER TO THE BATHROOM.
Thirteen: Can’t you just say “oh yeah, right down the hall, first door you see” or something?
Thirteen: THIS DOES NOT NEED TO BE A GROUP EVENT.
Thirteen: I know it’s basic politeness and literally everyone does that but it sort of makes me snort every time someone asks if they may use the bathroom.
Thirteen: Like someone’s going to go “NO YOU MAY NOT PISS ON THESE PREMISES”
Me: CUSTOMERS ONLY.
Thirteen: Especially in a situation like this where they’re FAMILY (which cannot be overemphasized) and in one of their homes.
Thirteen: Like, you’d ASSUME yes, your family will allow you that much, sheesh.
Me: OH HE MOST CERTAINLY WILL.
Thirteen: Oh, good.
Thirteen: Also shit girl
Thirteen: How fucking long is that fucking hair
Thirteen: It’s like ass-length, AND pulled up nearly on top of her head
Me: It’s 5’6 but she’s only 5’3
Thirteen: I like that “mmm”. Like she’s carefully contemplating the bathroom.
Thirteen: “mm yes, solid structure, continuing the all-white theme (seriously even the TOWELS are white fucking hell, COLOR IS A THING), hideous fake-marble slab floor…”
Thirteen: “all in all, a solid 3/10”
Thirteen: …you apparently intend to watch while she pisses, maybe?
Me: Or maybe the shower is to small to fuck in?
Thirteen: I dunno, she’s pretty tiny. Though her tits will take up half of it.
Me: As soon as I clicked next
Me: Santiago said “What the fuck”
Me: And it was completely unrelated to this, but still somehow exactly how I feel.
Thirteen: …..why does he not have a door to his bathroom
w h y
Thirteen: Are we SURE there weren’t any bathroom-related kinks on the list because…
Thirteen: Also…how fucking stupid is Humbert that it doesn’t occur to him that the lack of a door MIGHT be an issue
Me: I mean he thinks his Italian neighbor Paolo is a pizza delivery guy
Thirteen: Okay, fair
Thirteen: So I guess we can just assume he pisses in front of everyone all the time and thinks that and the clapping spectators is totally normal.
Humbert: *sweats* bathrooms don’t come with doors, sweetie. That is simply not how things are done.
Thirteen: Humbert may or may not be an alien
Thirteen: Or he’s simply a filthy degenerate pervert, and we know which one it is.
Thirteen: The awkward-ass pose of her legs is bugging the shit out of me.
Thirteen: And I’m assuming this den of horrors is tiny as hell but man, that speaker there keeps cracking me up since it’s in such close proximity to the mysterious doorless bathroom.
Thirteen: I think his entire home is the size of my bedroom. Or my snake’s terrarium.
Me: FFFUFUFUCK SHE TURNED AROUND REAL QUICK.
Thirteen: I imagine her just whirling around like a spinning top with a “fWIP” sound
Me: THAT’S BASICALLY HOW IT HAPPENED.
Me: PRETTY SURE I EVEN SAW HER TITS WOBBLE.
Thirteen: I was just going to ask how she kept her balance with her giant fuckin tiddies because her ass is NOT big enough to counterbalance that much silicon.
Me: NO SHIT. WHAT HAPPENED TO IT, HUMBERT?
Thirteen: Did it get broke in one of your disgusting sex parties or did you remove it to make said sex parties easier? Haha just kidding, you’re way too much of a moron to have sex parties. And not nearly smart enough to lure that many ten-year-olds home.
Me: EXPLAIN YOURSELF YOU CREEPY OLD MAN.
Blah blah blah this whole bathroom door shit continues on and on about how Lolita is just like “How can you live like this” and Humbert is like “I haven’t been laid in years” (not really, but stars and storms we were all thinking it). He really only said the rent was cheap and there was a nice shower. Leading to Lolita asking the hard hitting questions:
Humbert: Well honey, obviously I’d just leer at her while she pees. What ELSE would I do?
Thirteen: Seriously, though. I cannot believe there is not some kind of fetish associated with this. Why the fuck else would his bathroom inexplicably have no door?
Thirteen: If that’s NOT a kink thing, it is just so bizarrely RANDOM.
Thirteen: PS: what if you dad is gay, Lolita? WHAT THEN?
Thirteen: (then he’d be in a better game with a better daughter and be hitting on other gay dads, that’s what).
Me: (Preferably gothic gay dads).
Me: *SLAPS SELF IN THE FACE*
Thirteen: Would you even think that
Thirteen: She clearly meant a ~GIRL~ girl, like “a girl I want to impress and preferably fuck”.Why is your first thought your daughter.
Thirteen: (I know why, because you’re disgusting, but humor me.)
Me: *TRIES TO CLIMB OUT OF THE WINDOW*
Thirteen: Yeah you’d like him to be thinking about you wouldn’t you you atrocious trollop?
Me: She’s trying to be smooth. Trying to find out if he’s seeing anybody.
Me: I see right through you, Lolita.
Me: Oldest trick in the book.
Thirteen: I guess just asking if he’s seeing anybody outright (like, say, when she mentioned her mom has a boyfriend) wouldn’t be creepy enough. Gotta subtly hit on him so he doesn’t think she’s just interested in his life.
Thirteen: And man, they have not talked about themselves at ALL for a long-estranged parent-child pair.
Thirteen: I know it’s because they have no personality except “revolting” but still.
Me: *sighs wistfully* If this were Amanda and Alphonse they would have already started making bacon and she’d be telling him all about her classes at college and Lucien would be there making veggie bacon and Damien would be braiding her hair. And everything would be good and just in the world.
Thirteen: And it would be The Cutest Thing.
Me: AND THEY WOULD HAVE DOORS ON THE BATHROOMS.
Thirteen: WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT.
Thirteen: Shit Damien probably has like, six bathrooms in his beautiful-ass goth mansion
Me: *Swoons over Damien briefly before returning to the train wreck that is my life*
Thirteen: Right. Yes. This. -mournful sigh-
Humbert: But I’ll be listening…waiting.
Thirteen: Well you would
Thirteen: If you had one
Thirteen: I feel like “there’s not a fucking door” should have been mentioned when she asked to use the bathroom in the first place, by the way. Not that you’d know, Humbert, since nobody ever visits you.
Thirteen: Lolita, stop agreeing with me, you shameless tramp.
Me: I feel like this isn’t something you should have to say to your father? Like maybe it should be obvious to absolutely everyone that he wouldn’t peek? Just saying??????
Thirteen: Jesus, okay, look. I, admittedly, have a bladder of iron, but I fucking promise you I would be entirely capable of not peeing around someone who I was worried might fucking peek on me.
Thirteen: Because that is fucking vile.
Thirteen: Lolita you little cockwomble, you are absolutely into this. Stop playing coy.
Me: Jump out of a nearby window
Me: run out into traffic
Me: eat glass
Thirteen: All of the above is also a choice for extra credit.
Me: Call Paolo a guido until he beats the shit out of you.
Thirteen: I mean at least if he does that then his creepy slut daughter will be hitting up some guy she isn’t fucking related to.
Me: I don’t know man, maybe watching her father get beaten up by fake delivery drivers who deliver Italian-style frozen pizza to her door is like her kink or something.
Thirteen: I mean, I’m assuming Paolo would at least put him out of commission if not kill him
Thirteen: So she’d have to jump him for lack of other options (with functional lungs)
Thirteen: Well, that is a fair risk to consider.
Me: *THROWS HANDS UP IN THE AIR*
Thirteen: WHY IS THIS A CHOICE?
Thirteen: Jesus this game makes me feel like I need to go to church and I am literally a Satanist
Thirteen: And nothing has happened yet.
Me: OBVIOUSLY DON’T PEEK, HUMBERT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU NEED ME TO BE YOUR CONSCIENCE FOR WHATEVER REASON.
Thirteen: I feel like we’re the two halves of his conscience (both of us are “good” because lbr you can’t get much worse) shrieking into the void that is his skull and trying desperately to avoid absolute disaster.
Me: And ultimately failing.
Thirteen: The hell of it is that we know it’s futile but we still have to try.
Lolita: No dad – IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME –everything is definitely not okay. Now that I don’t have to pee so bad I can’t think straight, let’s go to fucking LOWE’S AND GET A FUCKING DOOR.
Thirteen: Shit at this rate I’d accept a piece of plywood awkwardly leaned against the wall.
Thirteen:Also, what the fuck?
Thirteen: Was he expecting her to share details of how delightful her piss was or was not?
Thirteen: Who asks that
Thirteen: (Except a creepy weirdo getting a boner about girls peeing).
Me: IT DOESN’T HAVE A DOOR, LOLITA.
Lolita: Except for the lack of door. And hideous floor. And blindingly white color scheme. And generally being smaller than a closet. Also, the six cameras I found hidden in there. Besides that, it’s great.
Me: -_-. They’re gonna have shower sex aren’t they?
Thirteen: I’m still convinced her tits will take up half or more of the shower, so does it count if one of them isn’t technically IN the shower?
Me: If Bill Clinton has taught me anything. It’s that, if it isn’t all the way it ain’t sex.
Blah blah blah. Semantics. Bullshit. Dumb shitty boring dialogue. Lolita suggests they continue their date. I question my sanity. Thirteen questions if she ever cared about me at all. We’re still somehow on day one. This is some sort of alternate universe where days last 172 hours and not having doors is trendy.
Thirteen: Also, white is the BEST color for everything! Except floors. Those come in “ugly blond wood” or “fake-ass marble”.
Me: There’s only one option left.
Thirteen: I will also accept “murder-suicide”.
Thirteen: You can decide if I mean in-game or out.
Me: I’m too far away to murder you. And yes, I would still say that even if I was sitting right next to you.
Thirteen: Shit. Welp.
Thirteen: Ground Zero it is, then.
Me: did…did her boobs get bigger?
Thirteen: Shit, I dunno, probably. I’m too mesmerized by her weird hair which is both floating and sitting at a weird angle.
Thirteen: And like. Literally nobody talks like this.
Thirteen: I’ve never had anyone ask me that when they see my room.
Thirteen: But mostly they coo over how cool it is because I have a personality, unlike Humbert.
Me: Unless you’re me and you immediately demand to hold a snake and also where the cat is.
Thirteen: Nah, that’s pretty common too actually.
Thirteen: It basically falls into gushing over the skulls, or asking what lives in the terrariums and maybe if they’re friendly enough to be held.
Me: I knew I should have asked “So this is where you sleep huh??” Then suggestive eyebrow waggle and laid down on your bed with a rose between my teeth.
Thirteen: That’s what you get for not planning ahead.
Thirteen: Is Lolita going to ask next if he does anything…else…there while “coincidentally” squishing her tits together?
Me: No, but this is just as bad.
Humbert: Want to…try it out?
Thirteen: I like him better when he’s being a fucking moron.
Lolita: By “it” I mean your dick. And by “jump” I mean insert into my vagina.
Thirteen: That, or she’s back to being twelve (or, well, younger) again.
Thirteen: Anyway sure go on I’m sure Humbert would love to watch you black your eyes with your tits.
Me: A new kind of fetish.
Thirteen: I mean, I’d like to watch stupid twats beat themselves up but I don’t get off on it so I guess that doesn’t count.
Humbert: What are you? Twel-OH
Thirteen: I guaran-damn-tee you do not have ANY interest in jumping or running or any other bouncy movement until you strap your gazongas down, girl.
Thirteen: And if you did you’d get over it REAL QUICK
Thirteen: And I know beating on the shit dialogue is basically a dead, buried, rotted, and exhumed horse at this point but who immediately (or ever) asks to jump on someone’s bed
Me: *DRAWS SWORD* THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! Thirteen: He’s just trying to clarify to figure out if she’s young enough for him (I mean I’d be surprised if he knew his own daughter’s age tbh)
Thirteen: (Intro text be damned)
Me: I read that as “You say you’re good in bed” and I was like “Fuck did the game glitch? Is this what happens when you peek on her peeing?”
Thirteen: I really do not need to have Humbert pop a boner over Lolita’s bouncing titties, game. Please stop this.
Me: I say we let her jump. Maybe she’ll knock herself out with those giant tits.
Thirteen: Man, I’m leaning no just because fuck you, hussy, you may NOT jump on the bed like a fucktard. What if your 100-lb ass breaks it? She likes us too much anyway.
Me: But what if discipline is her thing?
Thirteen: Yeah, but like, isn’t it worth it just ot not let her get her way for once? Then we can pointedly not punish her later.
Thirteen: Also, she’s gross and I hate her.
Me: Alright. No Lolitas jumpin on the bed.
Me: She got so mad she dislocated her jaw.
Thirteen: Because it’s stupid and you’re stupid.
Thirteen: Alternately: BECAUSE I’M YOUR DAD AND I SAY SO!
Me: SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT.
Thirteen: With your stupid, fat ass.
Thirteen: Now go lock yourself in the bathroom and cry
Thirteen: OH WAIT.
Thirteen: We are in agreement, you’ve been voted off the island. Before your fat, fat ass sinks it.
In-game Humbert says no. Lolita goes back to her self-absorbed begging. “Lemme jump. Daddy lemme jump.” She will not take no for an answer.
OH WAIT. SHIT WE HAVE ONE LESS GREEN POINT. YES! WE DID SOMETHING RIGHT!
Thirteen: -FISTPUMP- WOOOO
Thirteen: My instincts were correct!
Humbert still fucking lets her jump on the bed. I guess this was going to happen whether we wanted it to or not.
Thirteen: Well yes. Gotta watch them fake-ass tiddies bounce.
Thirteen: Why doesn’t she have her OWN bed to jump on? Or does she actually live in a cardboard box?
Thirteen: I am mesmerized by her teeth. I wonder how many rows of them she has.
Lolita: No daddy, I like it dirrty 😉
Thirteen: Now hold that pose, sexbot.
Me: His bed is also white. I don’t know why I’m surprised.
Thirteen: Man her proportions are hilarious. How does she not topple over like, constantly?
Thirteen: And what is that? A blank mint-green canvas?
Thirteen: Is that your attempt at decorating, Humbert?
Me: Modern art some hipster in a coffee shop sold him because he said it would make him seem intelligent.
Thirteen: Except he probably said it in a way so that Humbert only understood like 25% of the words because he’s as thick as pig shit.
Thirteen: Anyway hurry up and break your spine you stupid child so we can kick your gross ass out.
Me: What is this? An apartment for ants?
Thirteen: I’m telling you, Kaa has better digs than this. She technically has TWO bedrooms.
Thirteen: And if she had a bathroom it would have a door.
Thirteen: Well, if snakes could use doors, anyway.
Me: She’s just calmly floating in the air.
Thirteen: Well she is a succubus.
Me: Quick, Lo. Make your head turn all the way around next. Vomit split pea soup. Do something interesting.
Thirteen: At the very least, speak in tongues or refer to yourself as Legion.
Me: OH REALLY? COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
Thirteen: VRRROOOMMM HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
Thirteen: We know you’re a kid on account of the fact that you’re like twelve, Lolita. This is not news.
Me: It’s VIRGIN airline’s newest addition. Sexbot plane 3.0.
Thirteen: Virgin my ass.
Thirteen: Hell, my ass is a metric fuckload more virginal than this thing is.
Me: MY ass is probably a metric fuckload more virginal that that thing is.
Thirteen: I wish I knew a slutty gay dude to claim HIS ass was more virginal, but alas.
Me: I know several, but none I can call out tag on Tumblr :P.
Me: NO STOP GET BACK UP WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Thirteen: STOP POSING LIKE THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
Thirteen: also wow he has a solid rock bed
Thirteen: …and apparently one massive pillow.
Me: QUICK KILL HER AND SHE’LL ASCEND TO GOD MODE AND HOPEFULLY HAVE MORE SENSE THAN THIS.
Thirteen: Do we REALLY want to give her MORE power?
Thirteen: No, Lolita, we’re not spitroasting you, so fucking stop it.
Me: Her legs do kinda look like hot dogs.
Thirteen: I mean her entire body looks like a poorly put-together meat golem so
Thirteen: They might BE hot dogs.
Thirteen: I swear to all the gods, if this leads to some kind of tickle or wrestling match
Thirteen: I didn’t really have an ending for that I just really hope it doesn’t
Thirteen: I also just now noticed her shorts are crawling right up her ass
Thirteen: Nice classy clothing to wear to meet your dad.
Me: ….WHY DID THE CAMERA ANGLE CHANGE?
Thirteen: Clearly Humbert is moving in for the kill
Thirteen: I like how the railing looks alarmingly like a baby crib
Thirteen: Also, cameo from the dildo pile
Me: It’s subliminal messaging. The game wants us to know on some level she’s nowhere near 18.
Thirteen: I knew that the second it said she was eighteen
Thirteen: Also, nice “smell my armpit” pose.
Me: *sighs* here we go.
Thirteen: -hopefully- …to smother her?
Me: I love how I have to click it too. It’s like the game is reminding me “HEY YOU. YOU ASKED FOR THIS. PICK UP THE PILLOW AND FROLIC LIKE THE DISGUSTING OLD MAN YOU ARE”.
Thirteen: Why can’t we be a stuffy old coot? This game is ruining ~MY IMMERSION~.
Thirteen: Though I mean she’d just seduce us into being fun (“fun” means “disgusting”) then.
Humbert: Smother you. And maybe also take you to the hospital since your arm seems to be permanently glued to your head.
Thirteen: Her spine is broken as fuck, too.
Thirteen: I’m pretty flexible and that twist makes MY back ache.
Me: Oho. you’re flexible hm? (fuck what have I become?)
Thirteen: Now now, don’t try to distract me with flirting. You started this and by the gods we’re going to finish it.
Me: We’re not even past day one. We’re going to die here.
Thirteen: I refuse to die trying to finish some gross incest game.
Thirteen: Let me die with dignity. Probably while trying to make an angsty elf love me.
Thirteen: …smother you.
Me: I’m not even sure how she can tell that’s a pillow.
Thirteen: Pillow, giant marshmallow, nondescript possibly-untextured shape, whatever.
Thirteen: And I feel like, if you could write worth a damn, something like “what are you–DO NOT” would make more sense and not make her seem like a bumblefuck
Thirteen: But then again I’m glad she’s not screaming “NO DADDY NO”
Me: This is what happens when I don’t skip. ACTUAL TORTURE. I don’t care about any of this shit.
Thirteen: Man she is committed to that pose
Me: IF THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION WHY THE EVER LOVING FILLET-O-FUCK DO I EVEN HAVE TO FUCKING CHOOSE IT!?!?!?!
Thirteen: …with a shovel!
Me: *CHOKES ON LAUGHTER* WHAT EVEN IS THIS POSE??
Me: HOW ARE YOU EVEN SURPRISED?
Thirteen: He is SO trying to smother her.
Me: YOU SAW HIM GRAB THE PILLOW.
Thirteen: Alas, he is a fucking moron.
Me: TIME TO DIE, LITTLE GIRL.
Me: Ah yes, I too make a prime dick sucking face when I’m hit in the cheek with a pillow.
Thirteen: I’m pretty sure it hasn’t even touched her yet. She’s just prepping early.
Thirteen: What the FUCK is going on in the foreground though
Thirteen: That blobby, vaguely boxlike shape?
Me: Another pillow?
Thirteen: Fuck, who knows.
Thirteen: Certainly not the guy who made this. He thinks the only color is white.
Me: OH SUCK IT UP, LOLITA. YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK HURT.
Thirteen: Sure, got smacked in the face, so you completely change positions and clench your shoulder while making a stupid bitchy pouty face.
Me: Makes perfect sense.
Thirteen: Much like an uninvited cock up the ass.
Thirteen: I think she wins some kind of award for having the most epic wedgie ever. It’s so epic it’s making her ass do things I don’t think a human ass was meant to do.
Me: Her panties/ass cheek spreaders have bravely gone where no panties have gone before.
Thirteen: Godspeed to those doomed souls.
Thirteen: Then again, how the fuck horrible were you in life to be reincarnated as the panties of this little harlot.
Thirteen: So maybe it’s deserved.
Me: Her tits have now eaten her shorts.
Thirteen: Her smile is creepy and dead-eyed no matter what. It’s kind of impressive, really.
Me: It’s the wedgie. It’s possessed her.
Thirteen: Or her eldritch abomination nature creeping through the facade. Either/or.
Me: IT. JUST. KEEPS. GETTING. WORSE.
Thirteen: Her tits look like literal grapefruits. And possibly are.
Thirteen: And her mane appears to have vanished into the ether.
Me: Idk what the fuck that face means, but I’m betting she just farted.
Thirteen: Or shit herself. Whichever.
Me: Wouldn’t put it past her. Especially considering the BATHROOM DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING DOOR.
Thirteen: I was just going to say “probably because she’s been holding it since the doorless bathroom incident”.
Me: Great minds :P.
Thirteen: I mean they really only gave us one avenue to pursue there :P.
Thirteen: With the mysterious doorless bathroom
Me: With the suspiciously nice shower.
Me: Can you not tell from her face that she shit herself? And/or needs to sneeze? And/or is having some sort of orgasm? And/or the possession is wearing off?
Thirteen: I’m going to go for “all of the above”.
Thirteen: Are you pregnant, young lady?
Thirteen: Whatever, is it time for her to fuck off now?
Me: *hopeful* Is the day finally over???
Me: I…feel like this…might be a trap.
Thirteen: Just close your eyes so daddy can grab dem titties.
Me: I just fucking snorted so loud Santiago woke up and asked me what just happened.
Thirteen: Nothing that belongs in the realm of anything good and holy, tbh.
Me: Fresh air is a HELL OF A DRUG.
Thirteen: Is she jet-lagged or literally sick? Jesus. Also, Humbert, for fuck’s sake stop hoverhanding yourself.
Thirteen: I know you’re disgusting but if you’re not going to change that then just accept it.
Me: He’s preparing his hands to grab dem titties.
Thirteen: I didn’t know it was that big of an event. But then, I guess they are the first titties he’s touched since his mother’s.
Me: AUGH NO I JUST WANT THIS DAY TO BE OVER!
Thirteen: Humbert you absolute assmaster it is 4:34 AM over here let me fucking sleep.
Thirteen: She’s jet-lagged or pregnant or whatever! Leave her alone!
Me: FUCK YEAH. SHE’S ASLEEP. AND POSSIBLY MASTURBATING. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T CARE. HAHA IT’S OVER! DOBBY IS FREE!
Thirteen: I hope she died. And her tits continue to freak me out.
Me: I mean look at that face. That is not the face of an alive person.
Thirteen: That’s not the anything of an alive person. Or a human, for that matter.
Humbert: Time to put my dick in her mouth.
Thirteen: Hell, she clearly prepped for it before inexplicably passing out.
Me: *CHOCOBO NIGHTS FLASHBACKS*
Thirteen: OH GODS SAME
Thirteen: I THOUGHT I’D BLOCKED THAT OUT.
Thirteen: LOLITA WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO NUDE CHOCOBO NIGHT RIDING?
Me: LET ME SHOVE SOME CHOCOBO GREENS UP THAT PUSSY.
Thirteen: THEN CHOCOBO COCK. WE’VE FINALLY DISCOVERED WHAT THE BESTIALITY BIT IS!
Me: And if she’s not pregnant now, she’s gonna be real soon.
Thirteen: I’m 97% certain this is now the origin story of the Chocobo Nights bitch, before she realized her love for giant chicken cock and started her ranch.
Me: Sally Jane “Call me Chickabo” Johnson.
Thirteen: Obviously, she tried to leave her old life as Lolita behind. WHY? ONE CAN ONLY PONDER (and play this to find out). Spoilers: it involves fucking her dad.
Me: OH FUCK. ME. I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS SHITTY EYE OPENING ANIMATION I JUST WITNESSED. GO BACK TO SLEEP LOLITA FUCK. I DON’T WANNA DEAL WITH THIS. DAY ONE WAS OVER. YOU ALL SAW IT.
Thirteen: THOSE EYES ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD.
Me: UP SHUT YOUR FUCK AND GO BACK TO SLEEP.
Thirteen: HE FUCKING VANISHED INTO THE HELLPIT FROM WHENCE YOU BOTH SPAWNED. BEGONE, SHE-DEMON.
Me: WHO WALKS LIKE THIS????
Thirteen: Oh look she magically has shoes again. And who ANYTHINGS like she does?
Me: She looks so much like a twelve-year-old here like.
Thirteen: Just jerkin’ off on the couch
Thirteen: Okay but like
Thirteen: From what I understand of the layout of this shoebox
Thirteen: There is like, NOWHERE you can’t see. Because it’s the size of a smallish closet with no real walls.
Thirteen: Like? Bitch, use your eyes??
Me: WHO ????????????? POSES ???????? LIKE ????? THIS ??????
Thirteen: Sexbot Pose #7 loaded.
Thirteen: And hello again, dildo pile
Thirteen: Nice to see you’re still popping in for cameos.
Blah blah blah “It’s almost 6pm” and Lolita suddenly has to go. Where? I don’t know. To Paolo’s apartment to get fucked presumably. Then this happens:
Thirteen: I’m gonna presume from her expression that he just got his dick out
Me: *Say no to this from Hamilton plays in the background* *INSISTENTLY*
Humbert: You can stay the night… -zip- …if you want… -waggles dick at her-
Humbert: WELL FUCK GUESS I GOTTA GET OFF THE SOFA. *DICK STILL IN HAND* EYY BB U WAN DIS DICK?
Thirteen: I am unusually terrified what getting off the sofa means…
Me: Here’s hoping Elena is her girlfriend
Me: and they’re exclusive.
Thirteen: Hell, I’m just hoping she’s not related to Elena.
Elena left 15 messages, Lolita is holding her phone weird. The screen goes black. It’s still day one. My life is a lie. How can a day be this long. Holy fuck.
Thirteen: oh my goooddddsssss.
Me: I’m p sure you have been kidnapped at least a little
Thirteen: Your super-creepy pedo dad who you’re trying to seduce
Me: Elena seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders. Lolita! be Elena.
Thirteen: No fucking shit, sweetcheeks. You took after dad there. (By which I mean you’re a fuckwit.)
Thirteen: Why is Elena in this? She seems too normal and not-moronic.
Me: They’re probably gonna kill her.
Me: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT WORD.
Thirteen: Yep guess you have time to fuck off forever okay bye? BYE!
Me: OH THANK THE STARS ABOVE.
Thirteen: YES PLEASE
Thirteen: JESUS HOPSCOTCH CHRIST PLEASE!
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT, TAMMY!
Lolita: …but it was also, like, super creepy, so let’s never talk again, okay?
Thirteen: Oh wait wait wait I think I figured out the Elena thing. She was Lolita’s backup plan to get out quick if things got creepy, but then Lolita never contacted her at their agreed-time to confirm she was okay. You girls are about as organized as a senior citizen orgy.
Me: baby girl *cringes*
Thirteen: STOP IT I CALL MY CAT BABY GIRL LITERALLY FIGHT ME
Thirteen: YOU CANNOT MAKE THAT CREEPY I WILL MURDER YOU.
Me: NOPe. gET OUT.
Me: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THIS????
Thirteen: Go. AWAY.
Thirteen: FOREVEr, PREFERABLY
Thirteen: AND TELL YOUR WHORE MOM SHE RAISED A TERRIBLE LITTLE DISASTER!
Me: GOOD, GET OUT!
Thirteen: ALRIGHT WELP BYE THEN!
Lolita says she’ll call Humbert sometime this week to set up another date. Again with that terrible godforsaken word. And he, being the pathetic pedophile he is, eagerly awaits her call. Then this:
Thirteen: jESUS NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!
Thirteen: How do they make a simple hug so CREEPY?
Me: THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DID HE FINALLY BUY A DOOR FOR THE BATHROOM??
Thirteen: I’m concerned with why that handle is so high considering Humbert is like eight feet tall or something.
Me: OH FFFFFFFFFUUUUCCCKCKKK NOOOOOO!!
Thirteen: -SCREECHING- END. END, DAMN YOU.
Thirteen: I HAVE SHIT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Thirteen: PLEASE END WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR.
Me: WHAT TTHE FUCK THE FUCKING FADE IN THIS SHIT JUST DID WAS FUCKING JARRING AS FUCK.
Thirteen: I don’t know if it’s the sleep deprivation but Elena is actually semi-cute. dost mine eyes deceive me?
Me: I don’t know man, I lost the ability to see 9 years ago.
Thirteen: I mean they probably are since it’s 5 FUCKING AM
Blah blah blah a total repeat of the phone conversation. Elena was worried was gonna call the police or some shit. There’s a PARTY????? FUCK NO ELENA SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. ABORT. ABORT. DO YOU HEAR ME YOU GIANT VAGINA????
Thirteen: ugh I am nOT FUCKING PREPARED FOR THIS OKAY?
Thirteen: FUCK THIS. I AM STOPPING THIS ON ACCOUNT OF NEEDING TO SLEEP BECAUSE I AM ACTUALLY DOING SHIT TODAY
Thirteen: FUCK YOU LOLITA!
Me: I FUCKING GIVE UP. IT’S DAY TWO. THERE’S NO DAY COUNTER.
Thirteen: GOOD NIGHT. -SLAMS PALMS ONTO DESK, LEAVES-
Me: GOOD NIGHT.