This is an introspection, my own personal thoughts of where I am right now, a diary entry if you will.
I hate the way I feel right now, so close yet so out of reach. I feel like I’m not changing, not making with the “new”. I still want the same things, I’m still striving for the same things, I’m still stuck. I feel like I’m stuck, sinking in mud. I’m not really worth anything, am I?
I keep telling myself things like that. Things like, I’m never gonna be anyone, but it really isn’t true. I can be anything. Yes, I am confirming that the thing everyone’s mother told them when they were younger is absolutely 100% true. We can still be anything we want to be.
I want to say something about being broken hearted and feeling alone, but I’m reminded that I don’t honestly feel alone…just…confused. I know what I want in the long run, but in the now…I’m struggling to keep it together. It’s strange after a year to be single again, but I honestly don’t feel single. I feel the same, but I feel like a certain other person might be breaking off, branching out…and I’m still holding on.
I’m always holding on, why can’t I just let go? If I don’t learn how to let go of the important things, if I don’t learn how to just let it work itself out…then how will I ever function in society? I already know the outcome, I already know that this will get better. I already know I wont give up.
And like a certain someone told me: “I’m not going anywhere”…you really aren’t are you? You’ll stay the same in this even if I feel like you’re zooming lightyears ahead of me and starting your brand new life…without me…while I’m still stuck here.
But this is it right? I’ve got to learn to stand on my own! I have to know I can do this without you, without my family, without anyone but God to hold me up. You’ve got to know it too, don’t you? You need to know this too. We have to stand alone before we can stand together, don’t we?
I’m amused, this whole introspection ended up being a letter to you about how I feel about us. I still love you, y’know. I promised you…a long time ago that I’d never stop. But…in a way, I’m glad that this is over. I don’t want all the pressure and the fights and the pain. It’s not like I’m losing you 100% is it? No, we’ll always be friends. That’s one thing I’ve learned. That I can’t really ever exist without you. You’re my heart.
I was told, by my mother once that…in life, you really only make two really good friends. The first one is God and the second one is the man you fall in love with.
I don’t feel like I’m losing you, I just feel like I’m losing the “us” we used to be. That old, broken, depressed, trustless version of us. The paranoid, jealous, unhappy version of us. The one where accusations and assumptions defined it. It obviously wan’t based on the friendship we claimed to have before we were together.
But after all this…I can understand now.
You were right, you know…
We did rush into it.