So I know I didn’t post my Iron Man 2, Thor, or Captain America: The First Avenger threads here, but my Avengers thread on my Twitter broke so I promised everyone I would have this up tonight. You’ll have to wait a little longer for the other three.
Good morning everyone and to all my new followers. Hello. I am live tweeting The Avengers today. Cause I can’t stop, won’t stop.
I made an ALL NEW Bingo card, so be sure to have it ready during my tweets! Anyone who wins will probably get a free doodle. SOOOO. (Winner is Rae still. She’s the reining champion).
Oh look! This one STARTS with Marvel! In fact, I almost missed it because it literally started right when I started the movie, but caught it on this cool lookin blue fire smoke screen. So that’s cool.
Loki: I am Loki. Of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Me: *HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*
A world free from freedom.
Barton: *shoots fury*
Me: *trying to eat a damn bacon sandwich* *starts CHOKING*
Clint Barton in a fucking car chase is giving me so much life. I get so mad when I think about how they shafted Hawkeye in this series. He’s such a good character and I love him.
Well SHIELD just casually collapsed into a worm hole. That’s fine I guess.
Nick Fury: *jumps out of a flaming helicopter*
Me: what a mAN.
Level 7. Hot diggity dang.
Fury: As of right now…we are at war
Coulson: What do we do?
Title screen:
 Coulson: Natasha…Barton’s been compromised.
Natasha: ….let me put you on hold.
Natasha: *murdering people*
People: *screaming in pain*
Agent Coulson:
Nice hold music ya got there, Tash. Coulson: But first we need you to talk to the big guy
Natasha: Coulson you know Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me
Me: He means Hulk, Nat.
Natasha: O fuk HUSBANDO
Bruce: You brought me to the edge of the city. Smart. I, uh, assume the whole place is surrounded?
Natasha: Bitch I don’t need a team to beat yo ass.
Nat: We need you to come in.
Banner: What if I say no?
Nat: I’ll persuade you.
Me: yEAH you will.
Nat: Doctor we’re facing a potential global catastrophe
Banner: Now, those I actively dread and avoid
Me: HA.
 HOW DARE YOU PUT ON GLASSES AND GET HOTTER YOU FUCKER
Banner: He needs me in a cage
Nat: No one’s gonna put you in a cage.
Banner: *gets pissed off, hits the table* STOP LYING TO ME.
Natasha:
I WON’T HESITATE, B I T C H
Banner: I’m sorry. That was mean.
Me: …………………..*heart racing*
Banner:
 oh my god this man is gonna kill me  She is gENUINELY afraid of him and I’m like really mad at Banner because he would hurt my wife like this. LMAO THE WHOLE AREA WAS SURROUNDED. HILARIOUS.
Council: The avengers initiative was shut down
Fury: This isn’t about the Avengers
Me:
Fury: Is there anything you can tell us about the tesseract that we ought to know now?
Cap: You should’ve left it in the ocean.
Me: Lol burn.
 IS THIS MY NUMBER ONE MOST FAVORITE HUSBANDO???  IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
His fucking voice just makes me like dfsgjhdfhdsufihgdfsgdfs
 Pepper: How does it look
Tony: Like Christmas, but with more…me
Me: \*fanning self\*
Pepper: You need to do some press. I’ll be in DC tomorr—
Tony: Pepper. You’re killing the moment. Remember: enjoy the moment.
Pepper: Then get in here and I will.
Me:
h E L P
Tony: Give yourself some credit. Stark tower is your baby. Give yourself…12% of the credit.
Pepper: b i t c h
Tony:
 Tony: I’m gonna pay for that percentages comment in some subtle way later on aren’t I?
Pepper: Not gonna be that subtle
Coulson: Stark we need to talk
Tony: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark
Me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Elevator: Opens
Coulson: Sup bitch
Tony: Security breach *to Pepper* this is on you
Pepper: PHIIILLL, come in
Tony: Phil??? His first name is agent.
Me: OH MY GOD STOP BEING SO SASSY I CAN’T KEEP PAUSING THIS
Coulson: *tries to hand him something*
Tony: I don’t like…being handed things.
Pepper: That’s fine, I love to be handed things. Let’s trade.
Tony:
Tony: You know, I thought we were having a moment
Pepper: I was having 12% of a moment.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
Tony:
pepper you are going to kill me. i have a hEART CONDITION. is that what you want???
Tony is jealous. And now Pepper is just like openly flirting with Tony in front of Coulson and he’s sO uncomfortable. I love this.
 Phil: Can I just say? It’s nice to finally meet you. Well, I’ve sort of met you. I watched you. While you were sleeping.  WAKE ME UP. WAKE ME UP INSIDE. I CANT WAKE UP. SAVE ME.
Phil: I mean…I was present….while you were unconscious….from the ice
Me: Phil shut up. ilu. pls stahp.
Phil: I made you clothes
Me: Oh my gOD PHIL.
Look at that. Loki’s back.
Loki: I was a kING. The rightful king of Asgard.
Me:
 LOOK AT HOW AFRAID HE IS PROTECT HIM
Me: I hate Loki
Me, 5 seconds later: PROTECT MY SON
Me, another 5 seconds later: FUCK YOU LOKI
 Coulson: Agent Romanoff, this is Captain Rogers
Cap: Ma’am
Natasha: ….k \*ignores his existence\* Pictured: Natasha’s two boyfriends shaking hands.  Cap: They told me you could find the cube.
Banner: Is that the only word on me?
Cap: Only word I care about.
Me: Oh my god they’re gay. 
Lmao Cap just gace Fury $10 that’s fucking hilarious. Help.
Banner: *starts rolling up his sleeves*
Me: *MAKES INHUMAN NOISES* Man I should live stream this shit so y’all can hear the noises I make. Like I literally SCREAM. My neighbors must hate me.
 Natasha: \*sees Banner rolling up his sleeves\*
 Cap is being so mean to my husband, Coulson. He gon feel real bad when he dies at the end of this movie.
Hawkeye: *shooting people with arrows*
Me: I AM IN LOVE.
 Me: \*CHOKES ON SCUFFIN\* WHO PUT THIS MAN IN A SUIT.  Pictured: Loki in his natural state of fucking up people’s eyeballs.  go back to the suit thanks 
Loki: It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel.
 THIS MAN IS A FUCKING HERO. I LOVE YOU GRANDPA.
Grandpa: Not to men like you
Loki: There are no men like me
Grandpa: There are always men like you.
Can we talk about how this hero from Germany is basically calling Loki Hitler right now for being such a giant fucking asshole?
THEN CAP SAVES HIM FROM BEING EXPLODED!!!!! YES!!!!! THANK YOU!!! VETERANS SAVING VETERANS!!!!!!
Tony: *over coms* Agent Romanoff. Did you miss me?
 TONY STARK JUST PLAYS CLASSIC ROCK FROM THE FUCKING AIRCRAFT LIKE ZOOM ZOOM BITCHES. I FUCKING CAN’T. WHO LET THIS MAN BE A SUPER HERO. HELP. 
Brb swooning.
 Loki: This hottie just insulted my antlers. Better look hot for him. \*antlers disappear\*
Me: YEAH BITCH SAME THO Tony: Mr. Stark was my father
Steve: I know.
Tony: You are pretty spry for an old guy. What’s your thing…Pilates?
Cap: …what
Tony: It’s like calisthenics. You might’ve missed a few things. Doing time as a….capsicle.
Cap: What’s the matter, scared of a little lightning?
Loki: I’m not overly fond of what follows.
 These men don’t even ***know**,* y’all.
but fr fr did Earth just like…not have thunderstorms in the absence of Thor or like?
 Got the perfect pause tbh.  How is this man not dead?
OHWAIT
 How does no one think this man is gay. Like. He notices clothes. He stares longingly at Bucky. He flirted with Bruce. He and Tony are like in love or something.
 I mean LOOK AT HIS FASHION STRUT
Thor: Where’s the tesseract
Loki: I missed you too
Thor: BITCH DO I LOOK LIKE I’M PLAYIN
 Wow I’m 2 for 2 on these gay ass pauses.
Oh my god this scene is killing me. Y’all don’t even do this to me. BE BROTHERS AND BEST FRIENDS.
 Thor: GIVE UP THE TESSERACT. GIVE UP THIS POISONOUS DREAM.
Me: omggggggggg
THESE MEN ARE CHILDREN.
Thor: Do not touch me again
Tony: Then don’t take my stuff.
Me: Y’ALL I CAN’T.
 Thor: U have no idea what you’re dealing with
Tony: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Shakespeare in the park?
Chris Hemsworth: \*trying not to laugh\*
Thor: This is beyond you, metal man
Tony: EXCUSE U BITCH
Thor: *throws mew mew*
Tony: …OKAY NOW I’M MAD
Loki: *watching from the cliff* Fuck this shit I’m out
 JARVIS: Power at 400% capacity
Tony: Lmao Thor u fucked up
 FINALLY DADDY’S HERE TO STOP THESE FUCKING CHILDREN FROM FIGHTING.  Thor’s hammer just hits Steve’s shield and everything explodes and I’m like tHIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A CHILD. 3 bros chilling in the woods 5 ft apart cause they’re all gay  LOOK AT BANNER CHECKING OUT LOKI LIKE “Oh that man is FOINE”
Fury: Well let me know if real power wants a magazine or something.
Me: BWAHAHAHAHA
 Bruce Banner thinks Loki is hot. Pass it on.
Cap: An army…from outer space. Goddammit why am I even alive rn.
Bruce: That man’s brain is a BAGE full of cats
Thor: Have care with how you speak. Loki is batshit crazy, but he is of Asgard. And he is my brother.
Natasha: *glances up from filing her nails into daggers* He killed 80 people in like 5 minutes.
Bruce: Why does he need iridium
Tony: *smartest person in room mode* It’s a stabilizing agent.
Me: Oh my god my two husbandos in one room what’s gonna happen~~
 GOTTA KISS MYSELF I’M SO PRETTY. I’M TOO HOOOTTT HOT DAMN.
I don’t even know what he’s saying. Something about portals not collapsing and shit? No idea. He’s so hot. Help.
Oh my god every woman in this room is so DONE with Tony Stark. Like how many of them are going to roll their eyes while he’s talking and also checking them out.
Cap @ Tony & Bruce
Me @ cap:
 LOOK AT HOW TONGUE TIED HE IS. THIS MAN IS IN LOVE. AND COULSON IS IN THE BACKGROUND AGAIN. UNCOMFORTABLY WATCHING TONY FLIRT. OMG.
Thor: Monkies…I do not understand
Cap: I do!
Tony:
 GALAGA  THESE MEN ARE IN LOVE LOOK AT THEM
Hehehehe they’re playing with Loki’s magic stick someone stop me oh my god. I swear I’m an adult.
Tony: Come to my house Dr. Banner. Meet my girlfriend. She could also be your girlfriend. It’s fine.
Bruce: What?
Tony: What.
Tony: I promise a stress free environment…no surprises…
Also Tony:
Tony: …dude you’re wearing a spangly outfit so like, first of all how DARE YOU
Tony is so sad and so sassy to Steve because he’s like “My dad loved you more than me, but I’m also smarter and more capable and—” and y’all I am really fucking sad about it.
Tony: That’s the guy my dad never shut up about? Maybe they should’ve kept him on ice.
Bruce: ….oh Tony.
Oh my god they’re so sweet to each other I can’t. Who let me watch this.
 THE WAY HE IS LOOKING AT THIS MAN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED.
 Okay but he looks so much better in this film than in Thor and I’m like wow someone learned how to use makeup. A+ brow pencil, babe.  Coulson is gay and dating every Avenger.
Thor feels so much remorse for what happened on earth the last time he was there. And I’m just like…Thor. bby.
Thor: Loki is a prisoner
Fury: Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here?
Me: Y’all ain’t even kNOW
Natasha: Agent Barton was sent to kill me…he made a different call…
Loki: I like this. Your world hangs in the balance and you bargain for the life of one man.
Natasha: Ha. Regimes fall every day. I tend not to weep over that. I’m Russian.
Loki: Your Ledger is dripping. It’s gushing with red. And you think you can fix it by saving a man who is no more virtuous than yourself?
Me: OH MY GOD STOP.
 SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS DECRYPTING SHIT TOGETHER AGAIN 
Loki: I wont touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear.
Me: OH MY GOD DANGER ALERT
Loki: And he’ll wake long enough to see his good work and when he screams I’ll split his skull
Me: ….WHAT EMO BULLSHIT IS THIS
Loki: This is my bargain you mewling quim
Natasha: You’re a m o n s t er *crying*
Loki: Oh no, you brought the monster
Loki: Wait…what
Natasha: Thanks for being a dumb bitch
Me: LMAOOOOO
do it to ’emNatasha and Bruce, just openly flirting
Nicky Fury just blames Thor. And Thor is like oh my god wtf.
Tony is annoyed. Everyone else is annoyed. We’re all annoyed.
NICK FURY JUST CALLED STARK OUT. NOW TONY AND STEVE ARE IN AN ARGUMENT.
Tony: wait how is this about me
Steve: I’m sorry, isn’t everything
Me: OH MY GOD LOKI GOT TO ALL OF U
 Oh my god the Avengers are arguing. This is how BAD THINGS HAPPEN. DO U GUYS WANT THANOS? BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU GET THANOS.
Cap: Take that off, what are u
Tony: In ur bedroom
Cap: What
Tony: ahem…
Cap: You’re not the guy to make a sacrifice play. To lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.
Me: ………………..bitch do you wanna fight, cause I got 14 movies proving you wrong.
Cap: You may not be a threat. But you better stop pretending to be a hero. Tony: A hero? Like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle.
Me: Now I hate to get in the middle of this, but that’s ALSO not true….
Clint Barton is a fucking crazy ass ho. I love him.
 Thor: You people are so petty. And Tiny.
Me: Good insult babe. Don’t hurt yourself there. 
This scene breaks my heart so fucking much because Banner’s like “I TRIED” and Tony is like “OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP MY BOYFRIEND”
Everyone is just waiting for him to transform during his speech and I’m like y’all leave him alone. Leave my baby alone.
 Dude fr. Everyone is like shitting their pants rn. Hulk is so powerful lmao.
They’re all fighting and I’m like guys save it for Civil War.
Then they get asploded and Cap is like oh fuck Tony put on your suit and Tony is like “SURE THING CAP” and I’m like y’all what the fuck.
Banner and Natasha are in a small space together and I’m like Save my wife, 2k19.
Loki is fucking pleased with himself like a fucking asshole.
THE AVENGERS THEEEEME.
Cap and Tony working together like the best bros who I love and they’re the best.
See what happens when y’all don’t fight??? SEE WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISH????
Tony: What’s it look like in there?
Cap: It seems to run on some type of electricity
Tony: well…you’re not wrong.
Me: *screaming*
If Hulk could just like NOT destroy everything that would be great.
Thor vs Hulk. Ultimate cage match.
Tony and Cap being science bros.
WHERE ARE YOU MEW MEW 2K19
Hulk just hops on a jet like time to die I guess.
Tony and Cap are trying to fix one part of the ship while the Hulk just rips everything else apart.
Grenade: SUP
Cap: yeET
LMAO CAP YOU CAN’T JUST PLAY PING PONG WITH GRENADES. YOU DUMBASS.
Oh my god Hawkeye is the fucking bEST
SAVE CAPTAIN AMERICA OH MY GOD.
Loki just tricks Thor. Ok. HE ALWAYS FALLS FOR THIS. I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, THOR.
 Natasha vs Clint. ULTIMATE CAGE MATCH x2
Agent Coulson you absolute prince.
 LOKI JUST STABS HIM LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU CAN’T JUST sTAB PEOPLE LOKI OH MY GOD
Thor and Banner are plummeting down to earth now so I guess that’s happening.
Now Natasha and Clint are pulling each other’s hair. Lol punch that bitch.
I love the Mew Mew sounds. Like she’s so mad at Thor for being such a dumb bitch.
Coulson: You’re going to lose.
Loki: Am I?
Coulson: It’s in your nature.
Loki: Where is my disadvantage?
 Also I just shot you…so.
Tony: PULL THE LEVER CAP
Cap: I can’t….I can’t pull the lever
Tony: CAAAPPPPP *getting tossed around like a rag doll*
Cap: I’M WORKING ON IT
Tony: FUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE
They’re both ok tho.
 YOU CAN’T JUST KILL MY HUSBAND AND EXPECT ME TO BE OK
Fury: Coulson is dead.
 Tony & Steve: Goddammit why weren’t we nicer to him.
Me: I TOLD Y’ALL.
 Fury: Time to feel REAL bad, Cap.
Me: Oh sHIT.
Fury making his sons feel rEAL bad right now. Do it to ’em.
 Banner like: I fell out of the sky and now I’m naked like why does this always happen.
Guard: Big and green and buck ass nude
Me: Sounds like my kinda man.
Guard, calmly: You an alien?
Bruce: Wha?
Guard: You an alien? From outer space?
Bruce: …no
Guard: Well, son. You got a condition.
Me: HAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Clint: Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?
Nat: You know that I do.
Me: Oh my gOD
Loki: *flirting* Please tell me you’re going to appeal to my humanity.
Tony: uhhhhhh *not falling for his bullshit* actually I’m going to threaten you.
Loki: Oh boo. You should have kept your armor on for that.
Tony: Eh. It’s seen a bit of mileage and you’ve got the uh…glow stick of destiny.
Tom Hiddleston: *trying not to laugh*
Tony: *flirting* Would you like a drink?
Loki: *smirks* Stalling me won’t change anything.
Tony: No, no, no. Threatening. No drink, u sure? I’m having one.
Loki: Who tf is this man
Tony: *talking shit* You managed to piss off everyone.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony: Not a great plan, you dumb bitch. They’re coming 4 u.
Loki: *clicks tongue* I have an army
Tony: Bitch, we have a hULK
This entire movie is Loki’s audition tape for America’s Next Top Model.
Tony: If we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn well sure we’ll avenge it.
Loki: I ain’t scurred, bitch.
 Tony: \*smirking\* u should be, bitch.  OH MY GOD LOKI YOU CAN’T JUST THROW PEOPLE OUT WINDOWS. 
Tony: And there’s one other person you pissed off. His name is Phil.
Loki: wot
Tony: *shoots him*
Me: LMAOOO do it to ’em, babe.
 His audition tape was denied based on this outfit. And also y’know. all the murder.
Thor: LOKI. TURN OFF THE TESSERACT. OR I WILL DESTROY IT.
Loki: YOU CAN’T JUST DESTROY EVERYTHING U ASSHOLE.
Anybody know where Pepper is? Is she still in DC? How long has it been?
 2 brooos shooting up Chitari in a jet cause they’re hella dope WHY DOES THOR ALWAYS BELIEVE HIM AND THEN HE JUST GETS STABBED OH MY gOD
I’m so gay for Hawkeye oh my god.
Nat: Just like Budapest all over again.
Clint: Bitch wtf. You and I remember Budapest VERY differently.
put that back where u found it tony or so help memarrryyyy meeeeee
 Stark: Call it cap.
Cap: Anything 4 u, boo
Stark: Not in front of the kids, honey bunny
 Clint: Gimmie a lift
Tony: Yeap. Better clench up Legolas.
Clint: \*clenches\*
Me: WHY AM I WATCHING THIS MOVIE IT HAS BEEN 5 HOURS.
Hill: Sir. The council is on.
Fury: fuCK the council.
 \*shoots stuff without looking\* \*is a badass\* \*sees everything\* \*brilliant tactician\* \*only gets to be cool in this ONE movie\*
I’m so mad y’all.
Tony: What else you got?
Clint: Well, Thor’s taking down a squadron down on 6th
Tony: And he didn’t…invite mE.
Steve: If you wanna get up there you’re gonna need a ride
Nat: I got a ride. Could use a boost tho.
 Steve: ….uh. You sure about this?
Nat: Nope. \*Xena scream\*  2 bros fighting side by side on the back of a giant worm cause they’re both gods.
Bruce: *punches Thor*
Me: lMAO. Same.
Craig woke up and now he’s like o goddammit why did I do this.
Hawkeye just ran out of arrows and he’s like “TIME TO PUNCH A BITCH” GOD HE’S SO COOL. CLINT BARTON IS SO COOL.
Lmao Fury just shoots a jet with a grenade launcher. Fucking badass.
They’re just gonna nUKE NEW YORK. OH MY GOD. PETER PARKER LIVES THERE YOU CAN’T dO THIS.
ANTHONY EDWARD STARK YOU BETTER NOT DIE ON ME.
 Jarvis: Sir…shall I try Ms. Potts? T
ony: …might as well
Me: NO OH MY GOD  DON’T HURT HER LIKE THIS 2K19  TONY STARK YOU ASSHOLE  WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME NO SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS 2K19  Everyone like: IS HE ALIVE????  BE ALIVE DAMMIT
(i say. like i haven’t seen every fucking marvel movie including this one.)
Bruce: *YELLS*
Tony: *COMES BACK TO LIFE*
Me: THAT WAS TRUE LOVE’S KISS I’M CALLING IT
Tony: Please tell me nobody kissed me
Me: Lmao.
Tony: LEt’s just not come in tomorrow. Let’s just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There’s a shawarma place a few blocks from here. I don’t know what it is but I wanna try it.
Me: tONY OHMYGOD
Avengers @ Loki:
someone put flower crowns on this pls
Loki: *flirting* If it’s all the same to you…I’ll have that drink now.
Tony: OFFER’S NOT ON THE TABLE ANYMORE BETCH
\*chuckles\* I’m in danger.
Lmao people getting facial hair like Tony Stark. Oh my god.
 THIS MAN  BRING HER BACK 2K19
They just let Thor take the tesseract like a fucking fucker.
 SCIENCE BOYFRIENDS BACK AT IT AGAIN
Council: Was that the point of all this? A statement?
Fury: *laughs* No bitch. It’s a promise.
 SCIENCE BOYFRIEND & GIRLFRIEND  OH BOY
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